Words matter. What to do as a parent if your child says in school “I want to die”.
What happens if your child says in school “I just want to die.”? Well, it will be taken very, very seriously by school staff. Even if your child was saying “I want to die” in frustration before a big exam, school staff is required to respond. More often though, students aren’t just saying these concerning words out of frustration. They are saying these words to seek help and should not be ignored. A student may tell a friend in a text that they don’t want to be here anymore or they may write on an exam that they want to die. These comments are concerning to peers and teachers and are reported to school counselors or a trusted teacher. Once that happens, a school protocol is put into action. Two staff members, usually the school counselors or a school counselor and nurse will pull the student out of class for a discussion. After a conversation occurs and information is gathered, the school counselor will ask the student questions from the Columbia-Suicide Severity Rating Scale to determine if the student is at low, moderate or high risk for suicide.
As a parent, you will receive a call from the school counselor informing you what occurred and the results from the interview. You most likely will have to come in to school to meet with a few staff members. If your child is determined high risk you will be required to take your child to an emergency department for an mental health evaluation. The evaluation is usually done by a doctor or psychiatrist and a note will be needed upon return to school. The doctor will make recommendations or a treatment plan that may require further mental health treatment like counseling or an inpatient program.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, as a parent, this can be a super scary phone call to receive. As a former counselor in schools, I have had to do many suicide risk assessments each year. Sure, some referrals came out to be low risk and the student chose the wrong words to express their feelings. But, more often than not, the student referred needed a higher level of care outside of school. And more importantly, the student felt that they couldn’t share their feelings at home and didn’t even want a call home for fear that they would be a burden to their family.
So, how do we as parents ensure that our children feel safe to talk to us about their feelings and not feel like they are being a burden? Here are some suggestions…
Keep an open dialogue with your child and check in daily - even if it’s a quick 10 minute conversation in the car - ask questions and validate feelings.
Teach your kids how our words matter. Teach them the difference between jokes and bullying. Go over examples and explain how things can be misunderstood. Not everything can be dismissed with “I was just joking”.
Lead by example - express to your child how you handle uncomfortable feelings. Show them how you cope - maybe you walk, read, talk to a friend, make art etc. At the same time, keep boundaries with your kids - they don’t want to hear everything that is stressing you in your life because they won’t want to add one more thing to your plate.
Notice any changes in behavior - Are they snappy with you? Are they isolating themselves? Are grades dropping? Are they not taking care of their hygiene? Has their eating habits changed? You can call the school for resources or consult with your family doctor.
Don’t react but respond. Reacting is immediate and driven by emotions. When we respond, we take a moment to think before acting. Responding allows us to pause, consider the feedback, and then address whatever it is calmly. I often saw parents come into the school reacting, and this is understandable - they are upset or worried. But, this reaction often let’s the child feel like they did something wrong.
If your child opens up to you that they are depressed or suicidal- respond in a caring way and explain that you need to get them help ASAP. You will need to get them evaluated by a doctor to determine the severity and go from there.
Are you taking care of yourself? Is there is a big change at home, such as, divorce, financial issues, substance abuse, death of a loved one etc.? Kids may react in many different ways to these issues, so how can you offer support to your child while these transitions are happening?
You are always welcome to contact me if you need counseling support. You may also find some helpful organizations on my resources page.
